Releasing The Anger And Forgiving Myself

Epiphany –

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization.

I wonder if in the ritual of bathing there is something that triggers epiphanies.  Cause this always seems to be where I get my most important messages. Often that bring me to tears. They move me, and are transformative.

The other night, I realized in this important time in my life with the release of my book, that not only is my book healing me from my anger from rejection from society and my mother…it is healing my anger towards myself.  I’m angry that I let my mother hurt me, and didn’t speak up for fear of confrontation.   But in that same respect, I understand that she has always been irrational.  It’s no wonder I didn’t want to confront her.  So I feel I can’t completely blame myself for feeling like that.  It would have probably made me more crazy to act on my emotions.  But the down side to not saying anything, is that I pushed all the anger inside.  Bad idea.  Because I feel anger wrecked my spirit, and it has probably done more damage to my subconscious than I thought.

But I don’t need to feel that way anymore is the point so…did I have to write the book to prove something to myself???

Yes.  Because I taught myself my own sense of value, on my own, something I was not given by my parents.  It was something I taught myself without therapy, but philosophies. And constantly feeding myself knowledge and books, books, and books.

“So, yes, mother.  Even though you rejected every part of me, I love myself and know I have value and gifts to give the world.  Even though you said you loved me all the time, your actions didn’t show that.  I have been so angry at myself that I didn’t just tell you to stop, and that you were hurting me.”

Sometimes the simplest words and reaction can be the most effective to deal with confrontations.  This is a a new concept for me to fathom as I am so used to talking things out, and trying to resolve problems.  That’s why I have such an issue in this area, but really there is no rationalizing with the irrational!  Especially in this case, she is in another land and still thinks we get along pretty good. Wow, even after told her how I felt years ago, she just got quiet.  At least she didn’t debate me.

So I, Nora, the activist, preach and support speaking up and learning to communicate for conflict resolution, but well, sometimes it doesn’t always work out.  Especially with irrational.

A new theory for me:

with the irrational, to include the close-minded, keep it simple if I wanna speak up, or try to interact very little with these types of people.

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