For some reason I’m writing to myself again about this issue, maybe because it’s finally coming time to release my pages of the past, with the launch of my girl’s empowerment guide for 16 year olds. It feels like it’s time to take pen to pad again and tell myself even in all the sadness and anger I have felt towards my mother, it’s time for real to accept, forgive, and actually thank her, all at the same time in this essay. To heal, and move on to new beginnings of real self love through my guidebook, in which I am speaking my truth and releasing it to the public, something I have wanted to do since the age of 14.
Okay, so let me try to summarize and condense my upbringing, so you can better understand:
The story is passed down unclearly, but what I know is, shortly around age 2, both of my mother’s parents passed away. I think she was raised by village people, and I think she has one brother and one sister I met once (we never talked about this). She had little if no education growing up, because she had no birth certificate. Guess that’s how they ran things in Thailand, and maybe still do.
By the age of 19, she had 3 children by different men, one of which was an alcoholic, one was her monk. Don’t know if there was a third guy, I’m not sure. I don’t know if she knows either. lol
It wasn’t until the age of about 23 did she meet my father who was a GI at the time stationed in Bangkok, who met her in the typical scenario of a night club where after taking her home for the night, untypically, resulted in them staying together from that point on, travelling the world for dad’s work, and then moving to the states. (My father didn’t know she had three children. So, upon leaving Thailand to marry my father, the three children were left behind to be raised again, by some older people in the community. Apparently, this is common in Thailand)
So fast forward to their divorce, after they relocated to the states, I was 6, and my brother was 14 (so we are 2 of 5) my father says my mother changed her demeanor a great deal as she started gambling and gossiping with neighbors about divorcing their husbands. So this began my mother’s stories of all kinds of accusations with the law in order to create a cause for divorce. With this also began the anger within my father towards her as a result of this.
So, in the divorce, in exchange for our house, my father got custody of my brother and I. We located to the East Coast and he re-married a filipino woman with two children, who was a great mom to me, and I saw my mother and my stepfather in summers. These two great men in my life, I feel really helped influence and embrace the male/side of me that is so funny and one of things I love about myself. I feel they are a big part of why I have always connected so well with men, plus I can be myself!
So in closing, what I have learned from my upbringing and the issues I have taken into adulthood with me (and must still be holding onto),
I am ready to finally release: feelings of lack of self worth and value due to feelings of abandonment and rejection, to include any and all anger towards my mother
I have learned to:
1) Accept her: as she is, but this does not mean I need to be involved with her anymore. I understand she is who she is based on what she experienced. I also see she has been very spoiled and probably has never been told “no.” I understand she is still very much a child who was very poor once and only wanted a better life for herself and her children. I understand she loves them all very much the best she tries to show them in the best ways she knows how, despite her choices.. I understand she is delusional, more than the average person, lol
2) Forgive her:
for constantly complaining about how many bills she had and how many kids she had.
giving me away in a “sense”
for not accepting how I wanted to dress as a teenager, to include “looking like a boy”
3) Feel compassion and empathy:
for what she has been through, but not allow myself to feel bad anymore about what she says or does. As an adult, I choose to try not to surround myself or my family with that energy
4) Thank her:
for bringing the philosophy and way of living of Buddhism into my life, as well any enhanced skills in intuition (she has read my mind a few times) because these two things have become a passion of mine to delve deeper.
From another standpoint, I should actually thank her for giving me to my dad…who knows what would have become of me…
And so even in the sadness and sense of being torn down, my mother did empower me.
But had it not been for:
The other great people raising me, self help books, the philosophy of Buddhism (being spiritually connected), ideologies of Punk Rock music as a teenager, nd running my own business in my early 20’s (becoming more extroverted), I would not be who I am today.
So in finally letting go, I accept, forgive, and thank my mother, a poor orphaned girl from Ayutthaya, a woman with her own stories…who could be viewed as a woman who overcame and triumphed as well…